Chapter 1 - Welcome to the Sport     Chapter 2 - The Addiction Begins     Chapter 3 - Can You Say Kaituna    
Chapter 4 - So You Want to Roll     Chapter 5 - The Accelerated Course     Chapter 6 - The Legend Begins
Chapter 8 - Spring 2007 - What a Disappointment     Chapter 9 - Just Like Starting Over

CHAPTER SEVEN:
FEAR AND OTHER THOUGHTS

If you have the chance to review my 2006 River Log you will notice that I didn't run much after Slippery Rock in July.  Although an illness kept both Bruce and I off the water for most of August it was something else which pretty much put an end to my season: FEAR.  I look back at what I did last year and think WOW.  I can't believe I really paddled some of the stuff I did.  I have heard others comment that they can't believe my first real solo run was on the Elk Race Course and then are surprised even more to find out I did the Down Elk the very next day.  I swam both days and many more times throughout the season.

Some types of fear are good.  They keep you on your toes.  Others are irrational and can be debilitating.  Mine are the irrational type.  Where others are afraid to swim because they can get hurt,  I am afraid to swim for fear of embarrassment and needing to rely on those I'm paddling with to help rescue me and my gear.  I'm afraid no one will want to paddle with me because I am too much work and take the fun out of it for them.  I know this is an irrational fear.  No one has ever given me any indication that they would rather not paddle with me.  The exact opposite is true.  Everyone has been very supportive and continue to tell me that everyone is just between swims and that I just need to have more confidence in my ability.  I am not a patient person and am very upset with myself for not catching on quick enough.  For not developing the skills I need, especially the ability to read water and chose my own lines.  After a season of paddling, I can look at class II water and still not be able to pick a line.  This is very disappointing to me.  I am starting to believe that I may never "get it" and this FEAR is stopping me cold.  Rather than just getting out there and paddling no what the consequences or what others think, I find excuses not to paddle and then get angry with myself for being such a chicken.  I am letting fear of failure stop me from even attempting to succeed.  I need to find a way to get over this but it is not easy.  I know that I need to just do it but unfortunately I am having some other set backs (see Chap 8) that are keeping me off of the water.  Has anyone else out there experienced this type of irrational fear?  Any suggestions on how to conquer this type of fear would be greatly appreciated.  I'm hoping to get a start this weekend on the North Branch.

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